Open Letter To My Future Self.....

Dear Future Self,

There are a few things that I need you to know....

First I need you to know that I believe in you!!! I believe in every dream you will ever dream and I know that you have the power and ability to make them all your reality. Know that you are smart and strong, witty and charismatic. You are beautiful both inside and out. You are graceful, poised, well spoken, intelligent and you possess a magnetic energy that fills any room you enter. Your smile exudes the joy and confidence you carry within and your laugh is infectious! You have worked so hard and overcome so much to become the woman that you always carried within; NEVER compromise her for anything or anyone!!!

I need you to know that the huge heart that God has given you is a blessing! And although it may leave you susceptible to immense hurt, it will also allow you to love people purely and deeply as God has charged you to.

I need you to know that you have been given a natural ability to encourage and empower those around you. God allows you to push to the surface all that a person carries within. Because of this gift, you will attract all kinds of people with a variety of intentions and agendas. Know that it is okay to protect yourself by creating personal boundaries. Realize to be close to you is a privilege that you can not afford to just anyone. And no matter how you feel, know that you are never alone. God is always with you and He is strategic about the people He has connected you to.

I need you to know that no matter how much Love and kindness you show to everyone around you, some people will become offended that they are not a part of your inner circle. Understand that this is THEIR issue, not yours!! Do not bend or allow guilt to take a seat in your heart or mind, ever!!! Your responsibility is to exercise wisdom and your innate ability to discern those around you. Recognize those that are God connections and weed out the rest!

I need you to know that every decision I make now and will make in the future, I do so with you in mind. I maintain my focus for you. I allow relationships to develop and/or dissolve with your best interest at heart. I study diligently and cultivate my potential in hopes of living out our God given Purpose. I pray fervently for you. I fight every moment of every day, so that you will become the woman you were created to be. I cry for you, hope for you, ache for you. I LOVE YOU and I will PUSH you to become Totally, Completely, Undeniably and Unapologetically GREAT!!!!!

LaShawn Spry
Your Purpose Pusher
Empower. Inspire. Encourage.

My "ComeBack Woman" Monologue

THE TRUTH
1 in every 4 women will become victims of some form of severe violence by an intimate partner in her lifetime. I realized the hard way “I AM THAT ONE.”

MY TRUTH
It was May 2010, I believe the date fell on a Friday. I stood in my closet attempting to ready myself for my grandmother’s wake. When all of a sudden I found myself lost in a sea of weighted, depressing thoughts. Now, you would think I would’ve been stricken with the obvious feelings of grief due to the fact that I was preparing to say my final goodbye’s to my 95 year old grandmother. But no, this wasn’t grief at all. In actuality, I was experiencing feelings of fear and anxiety due to the fact that “he” would be there.

You see for over ten years “he” served as a source of not only physical, but mental abuse for me. And although I was physically removed from the marriage, the effects of years of torment and mistreatment was still stuck in my head. He had become the very bane of my existence so much so, that even after 6 years divorced, the mere thought of being in close proximity with this man slammed me right back into an extremely dark mental space.

A 10 year marriage that had been dissolved for 6 years, was STILL CONTROLLING ME.

MY STORY
You see as a preachers’ daughter, the shame of being pregnant at 17 years old and unmarried left me in a vulnerable place. I was susceptible to being deceived by the lies of the enemy. And that’s exactly what began to happen. Amidst a foundation of BROKENNESS, you begin to build a tower of lies.

Very quickly after “I Do” began the BULLYING. You made me feel as if you were superior because of your financial status and your degrees on the walls. After all, you were well spoken, well dressed. You had a career, your own car and secured bank accounts. You didn’t me…I, I was the one that needed you… or so it was burned into my brain to believe.

Almost automatically FEAR effortlessly set in. I was afraid to leave..How would I make it without you? Afraid to defend myself.. How far would you go to hurt me? Afraid to ask for help..Who would believe me over you?

My INTIMIDATION was like a drug for you. You reveled in the fact that I’d flinch if you moved to fast or become nervous at the sound of your voice.

Suffering all of this at the hands of a man I was to spend the rest of my life with literally rendered me POWERLESS.

THE CONFRONTATION
It was May 2010, I believe the date fell on a Friday. I stood in my closet attempting to ready myself for my grandmother’s wake. I was stricken with FEAR and ANXIETY over the fact that he would be there. But this time was very different. What made this moment different from many others was my decision to stand up and FIGHT! It was in that closet, at that very moment that I decided it was time to TAKE MY POWER BACK!!!

This is where the CONFRONTATION began. I waged war against every lie you ever planted in my mind. The public shaming and bullying I had to endure. Your harsh, cruel words with the intent to break me. The intimidation by a man that was supposed to love, protect and honor me. But instead left me mentally battered and in fear for my life!! Sixteen years I allowed your brokenness and weakness to render me Powerless, but NO MORE!!!!!

NO MORE will I be bullied, nor intimidated by ANY other human being!! You bleed red just like I do. You must answer to the same God that I do! So you don’t get the right the treat me like I’m inferior to you in any way, shape or form!!

NO MORE will I ever give another person the opportunity to feel that they make or break me. For I have given all of my broken pieces to the Potter, who has and continues to make and mold me into the picture of perfection that He has always seen me to be.

NO MORE will I live in fear of you or what you threaten to do to me. For my God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of Power and Love and of a sound mind!!! I'VE GOT A SOUND MIND!!!

NO MORE will I allow you to render me Powerless!! For I serve a God that has ALL Power in His hands and as His child that same Power dwells within me.

MY IDENTITY
I now know who I am and Whose I am.

I AM a child of God. I AM the daughter of a King. I AM the apple of His eye. I AM a virtuous woman whose value is far above rubies. I AM blessed and highly favored. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. I AM God’s MASTERPIECE. I am LaShawn Spry and ……

I AM A COMEBACK WOMAN!!!!!!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NOTE FROM THIS BLOGGER:
The accounts of this blog are from my real life story for the purpose of bringing awareness to women on the truth about domestic violence.

Domestic Violence is violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. It also comes in many forms, including but not limited to physical, emotional and mental abuse. The effects of the abuse can last long after you have separated yourself from the abuser.

If you have found yourself in a violent situation, first know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! Second, know that YOU CAN GET OUT!!!!! There are SEVERAL programs tailor made to help you get out and get on your feet. Please contact your local police department or church for help TODAY!!!

YES getting out and healing will be a process. NO it will NOT be easy, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!! Telling you what I know.....

All my Love,
Your Purpose Pusher

I'm Not That Girl...Sorry, Not Sorry!

God and I have been having some interesting conversations lately. The main topic of discussion has been "What would you have me to do? I belong to You, I'm Your vessel for You to use as You see fit. I hear you telling me to speak, but seriously who even wants to listen to me??" Now let me tell you the root of this conversation and reason for these insecurities. You know how you sometimes look around at the people that are actually doing the very thing that your heart desires to do and you can't help but commit that ultimate faux pas (that's just a fancy way of saying mistake that I just learned from friend in my head Phaedra) and you begin to COMPARE?!?! Well, that's what I'd started to do.

I LOVE ministering to women with all my heart!!! God has given me the gift of encouraging, inspiring and empowering women to live spiritually and emotionally healed and whole. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THIS IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE! (This is where the "faux pas" come in) The women that are doing what I've been called to do don't quite look like me.. at least her background doesn't match mine! She went to college right out of high school, after graduating with honors. She began working at the Church where she grew up and faithfully served in ministry. She began gleaning from the leaders in preparation for the future she knew she had in ministry. She married her college sweetheart who also attended the church and worked in ministry. They've been together for 20 years and are raising their 3 children under one roof. Her husband supports the family financially while she goes to seminary and obtains her masters degree in Theology. Now she's preaching, teaching and ministering the Word to women all over the world and has become a household name. She's living her dream (seemingly my dream) just like she planned, ( wish I'd stuck to my plan) just like the vision God gave her (and me so I thought) for her life. (but what about my life?!?)

WELL, it's obvious that this is NOT my story! You see, I'm not the girl in my head that I constantly compare myself to. I'm not the girl that followed the straight and narrow path and did everything right. I'm not the girl that fell in line with the legacy of my perfect sisters or heeded the warnings of my mother. I'm not the girl that learned from others mistakes in hopes of never following their footsteps. Nope, I'M NOT THAT GIRL!! My walk was not THAT walk!

On the contrary, I am the girl that learned everything the hard way. The girl that made mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. I'm the girl that lived life with her hands in the air and her feet on the gas! (Thanks India) I never went to college and failed at marriage. I'm the girl that chose tattoos, body piercings and alcohol in failed attempts to drown out my spiritual foundation, personal convictions and truth. I am the girl who's life was filled with turmoil and pain, bad decisions and consequences. THIS is my story. One of disobedience and distance, guilt and shame.

Then God begins to speak (remember this is a conversation) and in all of His infinite wisdom reveals what my tale TRULY is. He says, "True this is all part of your story. But more importantly, yours is a picture of My Grace and Mercy, Love and Forgiveness. It is the epitome of Repentance and Redemption, Victory and Triumph. You are the my sheep that was lost and is now found; you were blinded by sin, but now can clearly see. Your brokenness has been healed, your mind renewed and spirit liberated! Now you are capable of being the vessel that I always intended for you to be."

My Passion and Purpose is to minister Truth to women. Not the perfect, but to the imperfect like me!! The hurting, broken, those weighted down with guilt and shame. Women that have made mistake after mistake after mistake, bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. You who feel that you've gone too far and there is no way out. I was sent for you!! My story is for you!! I've been called to remind you of a few important things:

1)God STILL Loves you!!!!
2)There is NO mistake or bad decision that will ever change God's Love for you.
3)God is waiting patiently for you with His arms open wide, to heal EVERY hurt and carry EVERY burden that you bare.
4)You can be COMPLETELY healed and whole. As long as you're breathing there is Hope...DON'T GIVE UP!!!

I don't know who I'm writing this for, but you know who you are. You know if this has touched to your heart. God is calling for you imperfect girl! He is knocking at the door of your heart...please don't ignore Him. Have a conversation with Him, He's ALWAYS listening! He wants to give you beauty in place of the ugliness and Purpose for all of the pain you've endured.

It's your time, Our time!! Time for the imperfect girls to stand up, Healed, Whole and Free to take our rightful place in the Kingdom as representatives, not of our imperfections, but as a representation of our PERFECT GOD!!!!!!!!

I Love you Ladies...

La Shawn Spry
Your Purpose Pusher

Your Purpose Pusher is Born!!!!!!!

I used to hear my mom use a phrase that goes something like this, "The blind leading the blind and they all gone fall in a ditch." As a child the quote was somewhat humorous to me. My thought of course was, "Why would a blind person even attempt to lead someone else around??" Well as I got older, I realized the statement was a metaphor used to accurately describe a common scenario that occurs in real life every single day. Everywhere, everyday someone is attempting to give advice or instruction on life situations and circumstances that they either haven't applied themselves or they have and it didn't work! Then on the other end there's some poor, unsuspecting soul listening to them, mainly out of desperation for some immediate relief or change!! Hence, the blind leading the blind...

TRANSPARENCY ALERT!!!! (that just means I'm about to share something painful about myself with hopes that it will help someone else) So about two years ago this blind person attempting to lead was, ME. I'd been a first lady for about a year and a half and I realized my purpose was tied to women. My desire to see women spiritually, mentally and emotionally whole had become my passion and I was ready to walk in that. I prayed about it and then I went to my husband (who is also my pastor), told him what I'd been talking to God about and asked him what he thought. As always he was behind me 100% with whatever vision God would give me. Yet, because he knows his wife (when my wheels get to turning ya'll I MOVE, no hesitation)he did urge me to stay before God to be sure I was well prepared for the task and for His perfect timing. Needless to say very soon after this conversation my first event was planned!!

The first event exceeded my expectations!! Almost 30 women showed up ready to be transparent with their stories and open to receive whatever nuggets of wisdom would be offered. These women were ready to be complete and made whole. The only one in the room who's story and feelings were still safely tucked away in her shell of safety...yeap, you guessed it.. ME!!! I had all my perfect little notes all together in my perfect little folder, highlighted just perfectly and my "must say" principles written in bold ink off to the side. I had the room all decorated in beautiful bright colors and the refreshments table was laid just beautifully. Without even realizing it, I'd placed my mask on just right before I entered the room, so that I could safely teach without being taught. So that I could publicly give without seeming as if I needed to receive anything. Surely these women wouldn't listen to me if I didn't have it all together. Surely I can't share my brokenness with the very women I'm suppose to be helping? Surely I'm not ready to tell the truth, my whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me...God really?? BUT, was that not the very thing I was encouraging and asking of these women???

Exactly one year later, almost to the day of the first event, this group of women had completely crumbled. I left these women not only questioning my Purpose, but questioning my relationship with God. What happened? Why would you put me in this position? Why would you tell me to do this just to watch me fail? I thought you said this was my purpose. Why didn't you help me? (sooooooooooooooo easy for us to immediately blame God instead of looking at self) I was so confused and hurt. Oh, the pity party was definitely in FULL AFFECT!!!! Yet, instead of dealing with the pain I did what I was used to doing, masked it by getting busy and throwing myself into a whole new project!!!

THIS TOO FELL APART!!! This time my heart was shattered. My faith was broken. I was literally jilted into a full blown bout with depression and I didn't think I was going to make it. I prayed like I never have before. Not so much talking, but LISTENING for God's voice. He finally said, "Shawn you're doing this all wrong. You're trying to help and heal everyone around you without revealing your own brokenness." I was encouraging women to be open, but wasn't practicing the same degree of vulnerability. I was attempting to lead blind women, while voluntarily remaining blind myself. I must have cried for a week straight. Not just for me, but for the women that depended on me, looked up to me. My God, in His infinite wisdom, was stripping me of the deception that pretending to be perfect brings and replaced it with the beauty and truth carried in pain and brokenness. Once again, I had safely become marred clay in the gentle hands of the Potter.

Now, only a few months later, I sit and write this part of my story to you as an imperfect vessel. I stand before you a Humbled, Wounded, Grateful, Vulnerable, Purposeful woman. A woman that is still and Forever will be.. Becoming! Becoming all that God purposed for her to be and helping other women to do the very same. Born out of pain, transparency and necessity, I am La Shawn Spry and I AM Your Purpose Pusher!!!!

La Shawn Spry
Your Purpose Pusher